January 2012
1 post
Haha, no but seriously
The latest development in my Hipster Harlequin© series: • - - - - - - - - - • The young campaigner straddles my waist with the confidence and guile of a Conquistador. He peels off his ‘Ron Paul Revolution 2012’ hoodie, revealing a masculine trail of hair leading down into his skinny jeans to his turgid groin, all topped with a rumpled Infringement Festival t-shirt.
“My,...
November 2011
2 posts
I have the next four days off!
My ‘to do’ list includes the following:
sleep in every day;
catch up on “The Good Wife” on DVR;
write a couple passive aggressive emails to my recent ex-whatever and send them to him via LinkedIn;
hunt down and purchase a professional tooth scaling tool, like the ones they use at the dentist office;
eat a half gallon of peppermint stick ice cream;
lure a guy over...
September 2011
2 posts
June 2011
1 post
May 2011
2 posts
April 2011
3 posts
Little chickens
Dad: Hello this is charles your father
Me: Hi Dad. Checking out the internet again?
Dad: Yes. I have 4016 emails
Me: Wow. Don't click on any links, okay? Mom will KILL you if you infect her computer with something.
Dad: Im looking at Alaska cruises.
Me: Finally! You guys have been talking about that for ages
Dad: There are problems. Handguns are not allowed. On the ship.
Me: Do you really think you'll need it?? Just leave it at home!
Dad: You never know, Jessica. Safety first
Me: We'll talk about it this weekend.
Dad: Jessica, do you like little chickens?
Me: I like chicken, . . . what you do mean by little chickens? Were they premature? Is this like the time you tricked me into eating veal?
Dad: No. We bought little chickens at the auction and I butchered them and they are tasty. Your mother wants to know if you want little chickens for Easter supper.
Me: Maybe. But I'm going to need to know more about these "little" chickens. Sounds suspicious. :)
Dad: Nothing wrong. They are very good. You are eating one if you like it or not. You will make mashed potatoes with the skins. Yes?
Me: Yes, Dad. I'll make the mashed potatoes. Just the way you like.
Dad: Good. I will wash your car! Thank you.
Note: According to my mother, the "little chickens" are actually Cornish game hens.
Signs I Need to Cool It With the Netflix Streaming
Why hasn’t Michael Westen hunted down Dexter Morgan yet? Or vice versa?
Because, … you know, … they’re both in Miami.
Stop looking at me like that.
March 2011
2 posts
This one goes out to all the Nate Dogg fans. RIP...
February 2011
6 posts
January 2011
9 posts
Question:
How many chimp attack videos can one watch before the watching of said videos is considered a “problem”?
Factor for consideration: We’re having a Nor’easter here and, although I got a job, I ain’t got shit to do but shovel.
Cool it on the disgusting creature pictures,...
1 tag
WatchThe Regional Dialect Video Meme
Say these words:
Aunt, Route, Wash, Oil, Theater, Iron, Salmon, Caramel, Fire, Water, Sure, Data, Ruin, Crayon, Toilet, New Orleans, Pecan, Both, Again, Probably, Spitting image, Alabama, Lawyer, Coupon, Mayonnaise, Syrup, Pajamas, Caught
Now answer these questions:
What is it called when you throw toilet paper on a house?
What is the bug that when you touch it,...
Truthful Tuesday
I’m so baby jealous that I have half a mind to go out on the town some night, yank my IUD out in a dark alley, and seduce a tall and sexy drink of water with a nice smile just for his unwitting seed. Lucky for me, I have more than half a mind.
December 2010
18 posts
“Four-fifths of all our troubles would disappear, if we would only sit down and...”
– U.S. President Calvin Coolidge
1 tag
1 tag
Wildwood Flower, by Loretta Lynn (covering The...
I wonder if turtlenecks are okay
As I stood at the restroom mirror today, I quietly lamented to myself, “Why can’t I wear scarves like the office ladies do?” I’d thought I was alone in the room, but suddenly - I heard a flush. A stout and portly woman emerged from a stall behind me. She looked like Gertrude Stein but more depressed. Like someone whose grandchildren ignore them. I’d never seen her...
November 2010
8 posts
The Golden Boy
So, … my life has taken an interesting turn in the past month. Thanks to the reception of an article about casual sex that I wrote for a women’s magazine last year, I’ve been approached to work on another project. This one is a piece about a seldom-remembered male adult film star from the 70’s Golden Age of Porn, whom everyone in the business regards as an unsung hero and...
